Canadas' Most Wanted

Esprit Nueva Canada

Alias: Essie
Age: 2 1/2 years
Height: 3'4"
Weight: 38 pounds

Update: Esprit sent to Gulag

Indianapolis, IN: Cautioned by prosecuting attorneys not to let a known criminal go free, a jury swiftly convicted Esprit Canada of dollnapping and sentenced her to six months of hard labor.

As the foreman read the verdict, Canada balanced a hotpad on her head and said, "Look at dis!" The judge, perhaps incensed by this nonchalance, glared at the defendent and said he was determined to reform her or at least teach her a lesson. He said he would like to send her to Siberia, but would have to settle for the next best thing. The next day, Canada was on a minivan to Indiana.

Although she arrived to find a foot of snow on the ground and sub-zero temperatures, Canada remains undaunted. Witnesses have spotted her throwing snowballs at her captors and making snow angels on the frozen tundra. Putting her famed charm once again to work, she has even managed to cajole prison guards into giving her rides on a sled.

Spring 2001

Esprit Nueva Canada

Alias: Essie
Age: 3 years
Height: 3'4"
Weight: 39 lbs.
Status: Serving time

Update: Esprit hits the gym

Laurinburg, NC: Despite her extensive criminal history, Esprit Canada has used her notorious charm to shorten her time in an Indiana gulag. In January, she was transfered to a North Carolina facility, where she has developed a frightening new hobby.

"She's pumping iron," the facility warden announced apprehensively in a recent press conference. "We're seeing a hardened criminal becoming harder--and tougher and stronger. We can't keep her here forever, and, when she goes free, America could be in trouble."

Summer 2001

Name: Esprit Canada
Alias: Essie
Age: 3 1/2 years
Height: 3'4"
Weight: 39 lbs.
Status: Serving time
Criminal History: 2001 | 2000 | 1999 | 1998

Name: Will Canada
Alias: Butterbean
Age: 1 month
Height: 1' 9"
Weight: 7 lbs.
Status: Under constant surveillance

Updated 8/1/01
© Canada 2001

Esprit rumored to have accomplice

Laurinburg, NC: Incarcerated for a second time for her involvement in a dollnapping, Esprit Canada is again playing model prisoner.

Prison officials, impressed with her boundless energy, assigned the infamous criminal to a road crew. The menial work has not demeaned her, however. Indeed, Canada has insisted on wearing flowered gardening gloves.

Far more troubling to officials is the appearance of a mysterious figure rumored to be Canada's new accomplice. After being in hiding for nine months, Will "Butterbean" Canada emerged to pay Esprit several visits in prison. As suggested by the photo below, snapped during one of these visits, the two seem to share an intimate connection. Some think they may even be siblings.

Butterbean is suspected of a number of minor offenses, including disturbing the peace, but officials lack the hard evidence to put him away. While they wait for him to make the kind of slip that might lead to an arrest, they have to cope some very real fears of a jail break.

"She's got this one under her thumb," a police spokesman said of Canada's relationship with "Butterbean." "It's only a matter of time before she coaxes him into helping her escape."

The prospect of a "Peanut"-"Butterbean" partnership has officials on edge. They have placed both individuals under constant surveillance.